Pfizer's Pfantastic Pfine: My New Strategy to Secure a Piece of the Pie

In today's Philadelphia Inquirer in a story entitled "FDA: Pfizer ignored warnings, gets record fine" we learn that:

The [$2.3 billion] fine, which had been expected, was the largest ever paid by a drug company for defrauding the government's Medicare and Medicaid programs.

The U.S. Justice Department said that it included the largest criminal fine in U.S. history - $1.2 billion.

Authorities called Pfizer a repeat offender, noting this is the fourth such settlement of government charges in the last decade. The government said it would monitor the company's conduct for the next five years to rein in the abuses.

I have noted a near impossibility in securing interviews from pharma, Pfizer and Wyeth included, for many years. Perhaps I've taken the wrong tack. My CV emphasizes critical thinking, integrity, and expertise in biomedical data and terminological issues that help achieve clarity in research information analysis and dissemination.

Perhaps I need to try a new style.

Here is a proposed new introduction:

Yale-trained Medical informatics specialist with experience in pharma. Creative in thought and application to the point where I can spin anything to the liking of senior management. Will utilize Yale education to the fullest in misusing research funds in providing generous compensation to friendly physician advocates for company drugs and for compensating ghostwriters. Will employ skills in data modeling and medical decision making to conceal negative research results and put a pretty veneer on even the worst debacles for marketing purposes. Will hire the finest generalist staff from McDonald's and supply them with a Process Manual in adverse events detection and reporting, to minimize the chances of problems being discovered prior to major profits being generated. Will utilize creativity to simply make stuff up about new uses for drugs. Finally, will ensure only the tastiest of rotisserie chicken and sides in company cafeteria to improve corporate morale during layoffs as a result of upcoming merger.

I wonder how that will pfly, er, fly.

-- SS